Eh...

"Cuz If it makes you happy....
It can't be that bad.
If it makes you happy,
Then why the hell are you so sad?"

Remember?
(I know I redid it a bit, just so it applies to me
not to whatever Sheril Crow sings about)

Apart from that nothing.
I have a little trouble,
well,
defining what's up.
But, it's nothing to worry about. :)

Hugs to everyone,
sent me a postcard will you.
(specially from Mora, cuz apparently inventions like "a computer" aren't so widly known there... ;P)

;)

"I'll be right back, okay?" and a moment after: "Well, I'm here." I say nothing cuz I don't know him (standing in line in a super market).

I think it was the intonation of his voice that made me smile all the way back home. :)

"Uno momento mortis"

This song starts with: "Before you write a poem think and consider how right it is and if you really have time..."

I don't.
Should surpress my feeling cuz they have lately become my way out of studying.
Bullshit!
Do I really feel that much? (doubting)

When it is real? When is it real?









I failed yet another test (I think). Now I know that THIS is really what is the most important now. (=studies)

(1)

Every time I feel it's pointless,
You give me hope.

Every time I feel I failed,
You say it's not the end.

Every time I feel alone,
You let me be,
and than show -
Them.

I bless the day I was born beneath Your wings...

//Guess, once again I realised how much i can be gratefull for... ;P

"My cat drowned in the bathtub"

That is basicly what happened to my cousin. And I don't know why, but it got stuck in my memory in this uneasy, unpleasent way; I got rid of it today during one of my evening "dog-walkings". (Fast though, cuz need to go back to my study)

"My cat drowned in the bathtub"

Wet fur and swelled body.
Bones sticking out, paws like little unwanted parts.

My cat, my cat, my cat, my cat, my cat drowned in the bathtup. (calm, circumscribing)

Cold.
Full of water.
Possibility of a half-open eye.

My cat, my cat, my cat, my cat, my cat drowned in the bathtup. (calm, circumscribing)

In a wash-tub full of water.
One I fill in every day.
But today...
wonder how long he's been lying there?
You come back home,
and you see this.
And it's there because of you,
because you have not forseen it.
Your indifference.

Suddenly the reality becomes so tormently now.
Every second, and it won't go away,
because it is the reality.

My cat drowned in the bathtup!!!!
And the only thing I can do now is dry his little fur...

Free.

I must be strong.

Free - ?

So again it seems I have one of those "quite days" I call them*. Sometimes they are unhappy, sometimes they are just calm. And peacefull.

Suddenly I discovered that I miss Sam. I really do. Now during "those days", when I used to be angry with him (for whatever reason) he was just there for me. And I know you were there too, but sam was somehow there for ME, (hehe, he probably doesn't even remember! ;P )
always forgiving me my bad behaviour...

What happens now is that me, having one of those days, when I need to be huged, I have noone here who can console me. Kasia trys, but it's a whole lot different with a guy... People here don't seem to notice those days, they keep on joking, and I don't mind! I am joking with them and it's ok, but I just miss sam. He saw me having "those" and though not often (I was scared) I could talk to him about that.

Apart from that, as you can see from the title, well I have come to discuss my "freedom". I was out with the dog, thinking I have so much to do (still do) and how restrained I am, because of that...
But than I remembered those days in IB when things really didn't make any sense. When it was all empty and going to school I was just going. Cuz there was nothing else to do, plus you guys were there. Thinking about it now - I am really lucky. I am doing what I want and, for me, it has a meaning. And though it does not always work out, it IS. It exists. IT IS HAPPENING. And GOD THANK YOU FOR THAT.


In that sense I am free.










*Originaling from a song, by Goldenlife, a group I loved when I was younger

Inbetween study thoughts in "The Day of the Dead"

I don't know how to start. I was studying (surprise, surprise! :S) and suddenly discovered I have so many thoughts going on I simply couldn't concentrate on what i was reading. I need to spill it out somewhere...

like here. on my blog. :)


So therefore:

Sitting in my kitchen it suddenly overwhelmed me how increadible the world is. So surrealistic! For the first, the depth and complexity of the human mind. On one level I am so unsure of myslef, doubting how people can like me enough to really want to see me after so many years... (Every time I remember about it it when I am down it makes me wanna go on...), but at the same time deep down I am sure of myself. That so far, (except for not studying enough) I AM a good person. A worthy human? I might say, but not too loud not to jinx it. ;P

And the world. The sun. The colours and the sky. The sound of the wind when it blows by a little hurracane of leaves. The fuzziness of my scarf and the opportunity of having it. It just makes me so glad. Isn't livng worth for those moments? For those sunspots in the afternoon...

I do love you people, even if I don't yet know about it...


//kasia.